Remember
by Scorpion24
Summary: This is set just towards the end of S9 E8. Ruth and Tariq are on the Grid, waiting for news from the rooftop...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This my first ever piece of FanFiction. I absolutely love the Harry and Ruth relationship in Spooks and after watching S9 E8 again, decided to venture a new ending. Hope you enjoy…**

**Chapter 1**

She couldn't help herself. She gasped for air as tears streamed down her face. She felt as if her insides had been ripped out of her. She couldn't think straight for fear and worry. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine what he was doing right now. Trying to rewrite their last conversation. Trying to rewrite everything. But opening her eyes she was quickly reacquainted with her consuming guilt and the terror of the current situation.

Tariq looked on as his colleague literally broke down in front of his eyes. Give him an Embassy hard drive to decode any day, but this- what the hell was he supposed to do! He feebly reached out a hand to reassure her, but froze midair. Reassure her of what? That the man he had watched her adore from afar for many years hadn't just left her with little for than a cold hearted comment? He let his hand fall back to his side, all the time inwardly cursing his inability to help her in anyway.

Both agents jumped, awoken from their inner turmoil by a shrill ringing. Ruth's shaking hand had clasped the receiver before Tariq had even realised the source of the sound. Clutching it tightly to her ear she listened intently. Her eyes grew wider as the mumble on the other end continued hurriedly. Then, with a sudden gasp that was more painful than anything that Tariq had ever witnessed, Ruth allowed the receiver to slip from her now wringing fingers.

"Ruth?" he ventured, bending to look at her for the first time. He had never seen her like this. She was uncontrollable. Her usually calm and understanding eyes were darting around the grid. Her ashen face was wild and panicked. She shook vigorously and Tariq had the disturbing feeling that she had not even registered his presence. Reaching out one hand he softly squeezed her knee. "Ruth" he repeated, gently shaking her leg. Finally her eyes settled on his young and concerned face. A shadow of shear distress and despair clouded her features and she managed just one trembling and painful word.

"Harry".

**Hope you enjoyed it- sorry a bit slow to start but more coming soon…**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all of your lovely reviews! They really made my day **

**Chapter 2**

Tariq stared at her in disbelief. It couldn't be! Not Harry! Ruth gasped again and pushing back from her desk, darted past Tariq and he heard the swish of the door as it slide open and clicked shut behind her. Tariq closed his eyes against the pain he heard as her worry, guilt and distress escaped her aching torso in a pitiful wail. In a bid to control the rising terror in the pit of his stomach, Tariq picked up the still swinging receiver. He had to hear the tragic news on the other end for himself.

Ruth was now leaning against his desk, grasping on to it so hard she could feel the ridges digging painfully under her fingernails. She dug deeper into the grooves as she tried to control her breathing, but the salty taste of her tears and involuntary gasps wouldn't allow it. Maybe she didn't really want to control her emotions. Maybe she didn't want to face the reality of the situation. Maybe she just wanted to stay there in his office and pretend. Pretend like the last twenty-four hours hadn't happened. Pretend that their last conversation hadn't happened. Pretend he wasn't really gone.

Any fight left inside her was erased at this final thought and releasing her painful grip on the solid desk, she sunk back into his chair, pulling her legs tight into her chest. Leaning back, she nestled her head into the soft fabric of the chair. She could smell him. She smelt the deep musk of lingering aftershave mixed with the fresh and slightly damp cent of his overcoat. Allowing the coat to slip from its position on the back of the chair, she wrapped it tightly around herself, enveloping her trembling body. It was like she could feel his arms around her, caressing and soothing her. She felt the gentle touch of his hand on her back as he had asked her to marry him. She could taste the sea salt and sweet traces of scotch on his lips as they had kissed on the docks.

She furrowed her brows, shutting out the world even more vigorously, wanting to stay in that moment forever and never wanting to face reality again. Concentrating hard, her head and body buried deep into his warm jacket, she replayed their conversation from that bitter morning over in her head. There had been something he wanted to tell her. Something wonderful, she remembered with a sad smile. But she wouldn't allow him to say it and now she would never hear him say it. Something in her heart cracked at this sorrowful realisation.

Painfully, Ruth squashed down the 'what ifs' of the situation. What if she had allowed him to say those three words? What if on hearing them she had not had the strength to be the one to break their passionate embrace? What if knowing that he loved her she would have stayed in England somehow? Stayed with him? Pushing past these thoughts, Ruth strained to study his face, driven by a burning desperation inside her to see him. To see the pained but smiling features that had been etched on his face that cold morning. But something was wrong. He didn't look right. The deep lines and soft features she had become so accustomed to, those which she had regrettably taken for granted, were in some way disorientated. It didn't look like Harry! She couldn't see him! Panic spread from her curled toes into her very core with a sharp and unpleasant sensation. How could she not remember his face? The face she had watched intently for so long? "Harry" she whispered in a desperate plea as if to clarify her thinking. "Harry!"

Her raw eyes shot open, unable to face the guilt and utter despair a moment more. She wriggled free from the suddenly suffocating coat that weighed her down to the chair and flung it to the ground, not wanting to be reminded of him. Not wanting to remember. Not wanting to feel so much pain and terror. Instead she drew her knees closer to her and rocked to a gentle rhythm, concentrating on matching her breathing, so to regain some self-control. That's what he would say she should do. Would have said.

A sudden noise tore at her thoughts as the door behind her slid open.

**Sorry it turned a little depressing in this chapter! More to come soon…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you again for your lovely reviews Hope you enjoy reading just who is behind the door…**

**Chapter 3**

****Without removing her entranced gaze from the corner of his desk, focusing intently of stemming her tears and controlling her breathing, Ruth waited for Tariq to speak. What was so urgent that he needed to interrupt her when he could see she was clearly in no mood to talk? There was silence. Eventually she spoke. "Leave me alone" she rasped, a little cooler than she had intended.

"Last time I checked Ruth, this was still my office."

Ruth caught her breath. She felt the pit of her stomach lurch and her heart flutter faintly as she turned slowly to face the familiar voice. Her head was spinning uncontrollably as she thought she saw him. Thought she saw the face that only moments before she couldn't even bear to imagine.

He remained in the doorway watching her. Her took in her pale and tear drenched face and felt the guilt rip through every inch on his being. His heart tore at his chest and, with difficulty, he suppressed the lump that had risen in his dry throat.

Clumsily, Ruth fumbled from the chair, her knees buckling and so forcing her to support herself on the ever sturdy desk. They stood, gazing at each other in this surreal moment. Slowly, Ruth took a measured step toward him, never allowing her eyes to leave his face, just in case it disappeared and she couldn't remember it anymore. She took another step. And another. She was so close to him now that she thought she could feel a flutter of breath on her bare neck. But it wasn't possible! Reaching out she tentively allowed her trembling fingers to touch his hand. She gasped in shock as she felt his rough skin beneath her fingertips. In her shock she looked away from him, only momentarily, to check his hand was really there. When her eyes found his again there were tears clouding his hazelnut gaze. Ruth slowly moved her hand up his smooth jacket, across his crisp lapel and up to his cold cheek, never letting her fingers leave him for a second. Still her eyes never left his face. They studied it closely, appreciating the slight creases around his pouted lips. Relishing in the warmth of the intense gaze he bestowed on her. A stab of guilt froze in her stomach as she registered his still weeping wound just above his concerned brow.

Harry drank her in. Her scent. Her face etched with worry for him, her gentle touch that left a tingle throughout his body. The whole time her had been on the rooftop he had been too terrified to allow himself to think so poignantly about her. Terrified that if he did, despite there last conversation, he would have turned and ran straight back to the grid, forsaking everything, to see her just one more time. As she touched his weary face he allowed his cheek to sink tenderly into her soft fingers. He closed his eyes and pushed lightly into her, wanting her so entirely.

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain right across the side of his wistful face.

"You bastard!" she hissed as Harry opened his eyes and looked questioningly into her suddenly burning pupils.

"Ruth?"

"I thought you were dead!" she screamed at him, her voice trembling with a mixture of shock and pure anger. When she raised her hand to strike him again he caught a hold of her surprisingly strong wrist. "I thought you were dead!" she screamed again while struggling against him as he held her tightly. She pushed against firm grip. She stuck his broad chest repeatedly with her free hand, wanting him to feel just an ounce of the pain she was feeling. Wanting him to understand. Shaking with anger she repeated the sentiment over and over until, suddenly, with one painful gasp, the fight within her was lost. She collapsed in exhaustion and emotional overload against his heaving chest, burrowing her face deep into the crook of his shoulder. She pressed against him, wanting to feel him. Never wanting to lose him again.

Harry's free hand found the small of her back and he pulled her even closer to him, also aching for their closeness and warm embrace. His heart constricted as he felt the quiver of her small frame under his touch as she sobbed uncontrollably. Releasing her shaking wrist, he reached one hand behind him a quietly slid the door shut. He needn't have bothered as Tariq had understood Harry's dismissal and had swiftly left to inform Dimitri and Beth about Lucas.

Having registered the despair on Tariq's face, when he had entered the grid, Harry assumed his worst fears had been realised.

"Who called?" he asked sharply.

Tariq simply stared at his boss, who was alarmed to witness all the colour drain from his already ashen face.

"Tariq" he ushered, but with a hint of warmth in his tone.

Tariq gulped down the bitter taste in his mouth and managed a weak response. "Home Sec. But… Harry… he said…" Harry's eyes were scanning the grid for her. He found her. Shooting a look of utmost urgency and confusion at the young technician his eyes implored him to continue. "He… he said they'd recovered a man's body. Said it was the best… best officer he'd ever known. We assumed… Ruth assumed…" Harry's outstretched arm stopped Tariq in his tracks. Harry was no longer looking at him. Eyes never leaving her quivering body that was crumpled so helplessly in his chair he simply said,

"Thank you Tariq. I'll see you tomorrow".

Back in the office Harry gently stroked her hair as she continued to shake remorsefully in his arms, his own tears rolling silently down his cheeks. They stood like this for what seemed like an eternity both taking varied degrees of comfort in each other's being.

Eventually, regaining some self-control, Ruth offered in a horse whisper "I thought I'd never see you again". Gently he pushed her away from him, tucking a rogue strand of her hair behind her ear, so he could look at her pale, yet always beautiful, face.

"I know…"

"You know!" she scoffed looking up at him. A look of utter contempt and fury was slowly clouding her beautiful face and suddenly the fire was back in her eyes. Her body stiffened in his grasp. The atmosphere in the office dropped considerably in temperature. She tore free from him and franticly moved across the office, putting a needed distance between them. "You know!" she repeated, hysteria undeniably rising in her voice. She turned to face him. "You know how it feels, do you, to sit here and wait. To receive a phone call telling me you were dead! To have my heart shattered because I couldn't see you!" Reaching a peak of anger and a new, unexplored, height of emotion, she instinctively grabbed the empty scotch glass from the desk and shattered it against the opposite wall. "I couldn't see you Harry!"

He wasn't sure if it was pure rage, despair or fear that he did it. The last time he had seen her so wild and upset she had just emptied a loaded gun into another human being. Roughly grabbing hold of her rigid arms he wrestled her firmly till she was sitting on the edge of the desk. She winced as he tightened his grip, but this merely fuelled him on. "Yes" he growled. His face was so close to hers that she had no choice but to look at him. The warmth of his gaze was gone, replaced by a confused look of despair and anger. "Yes I know how it feels! I sat in that very chair and waited. I answered that very phone to hear the news. And I thought I would never see you again when you sailed off to Spain! For God's Sake Ruth, don't you dare say I don't know how you feel!"

Exhausted and shocked by his own cold outburst he released his hold of her and sunk into his chair, cupping his face in his quivering hands, instantly regretting both his words and accompanying actions. Ruth wrapped herself defensively around her aching arms but couldn't muster the strength to speak or move. She had never seen him so angry- not with her. She felt sick as she sat, silently, trying to make sense of it. She couldn't even find it in her to be angry with him. She felt pure wave of shock pass through her, effecting every inch of her being. She was shocked by his behaviour. She was shocked by her own behaviour. But mostly she was shocked by the realisation about how stupidly selfish and blind she had been for the past nine years.

Both sat sobbing their silent tears, reliving the recent events, neither knowing where this would go next. Finally Ruth turned to face him.

**Please review Next chapter nearly written so more soon hopefully…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for your lovely reviews again. I'm not sure enough happens in this one, it more about their emotional states, but I think its important for part of the story. Hope you enjoy **

**Chapter 4**

"I'm sorry" she said, her simple statement cutting through the silence like the sharpest knife. "I'm sorry for everything."

The slight emphasis on the last word began to melt the cold chill around his ever aching heart. _Everything _he thought. Everything seemed the most appropriate, ideal and perfect summation, as both of them had many things to be sorry for. Her- for hitting striking him only moments ago. For crushing his hopes and desires when she had refused his proposal. For breaking his heart completely during their previous conversation, in that very office. Him- for failing to prevent her having to hide away in Spain. For putting them both in the position that had resulted in his harsh decisions about George and the boy. For the countless time he had coldly dismissed her concern and genuine friendship over the many years. Mainly, he was sorry for not telling her, that day on the docks, how he truly felt.

He raised his head slowly from his defensive hands. His eyes red and wet from the pain of recent events, he sighed and concluded, "I'm sorry for everything too." He felt a stab of fear as he watch her eyes attempt to blink away the pain that had filled them as she relived all that he was apologising for. After a moment, she smiled. A sad and tired smile, but he was pleased to now find an understanding in her eyes that told him she knew exactly what he meant. She always did he smiled inwardly to himself. He returned her smile wearily. After a short pause he added, "Albany isn't real Ruth."

Looking away and to the floor Ruth closed her eyes. Here we go again she thought, just as we were getting somewhere and he brings it all back to this place. Back to things he can deal with and… "What?" She had just digested what he had said and snapped to look at him intently with shinning eyes.

"It never worked" he clarified. "It was a threat that worked on the fear of its potential. It's not real."

Ruth's head was swimming with this new information. "But the Chinese…"

"Think it's real."

"The Home Secretary?"

"Yes."

"Harry, he said you were…"

"No he didn't."

"What?"

"He didn't say … that."

She stared blankly at him for a minute. She thought back to the phone call and slowly began to play the words over in her head. Finally, she let out a little cry. "Oh my…"

"Lucas."

She closed her eyes and cursed at her own foolish assumption. Lucas was dead. Not Harry. Lucas. With confusing difficultly she pushed this new information to one side. She wasn't strong enough to consider how she felt about his death at the moment. How she felt about the death of a dear colleague and friend or the death of a traitor who had, within the last twenty-four hours, threatened to kill her and take away everything that was worth living for.

Looking directly at Harry, she took a deep breath- she was still not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer to the next question that had found itself on the tip of her tongue. "Is that why you saved me Harry? Because it wasn't real?" There was no judgement in her tone, merely a curiosity, a trait that Harry had come to adore over the years.

"No" he ventured tentatively, his brain still frantically trying to formulate a response to this seemingly impossible question. "Well, yes… I suppose it was one of the reasons." Feeble. He saw the disappointment begin to shadow her bright eyes and he quickly added, in a slightly defensive tone, "I wasn't going to sacrifice you for a fake."

Looking back at the floor, Ruth turned his words over and over again in her head. Part of her wanted to ask more. Needed to hear what the other reasons were. Needed to know if Albany had been real, then what? However, daring a sideways glance at Harry, she knew he too was trying to push this scenario far from his troubled mind. She guessed it was something he had been trying to do ever since Lucas had taken her. She swallowed her curiosity and instead opted for a meek and long overdue "Thank you."

There was silence. A fresh tear leaving the corner of Harry's eye more than made up for any response. Looking at her feet, the wall, the door- in fact anywhere but at him, Ruth couldn't help but smile at the sorrowful realisation that they had become so good at communicating with each other, words now seemed the hardest challenge. Being painfully aware of this fact made finding anything to say next almost impossible. Finally resting her eyes on his jacket, which she had previously flung to the floor, she saw a possible opportunity to escape taking this situation any further. Bending low next to his chair she picked up the jacket and mumbled "I'm sorry Harry… about the jacket, I mean. I'll just hang it back up and then…"

"Ruth." He spoke so softly that Ruth looked up to check he had actually spoken. "Ruth" he repeated, the desperation and desire in his tone making her heart flutter and forcing her back so she rested on her heels, looking into his longing and wistful face.

"And then Harry, I must go and… the last bus you see…" Her voice trailed off as he gently leant towards her and cupping her elbows guided her to a kneeling position that meant her sparkling blue eyes where now level with his. "Ruth, I can't lose you" he said simply and with an earnest that set Ruth's stomach churning. 

"Oh Harry. You're in shock" she stammered, yet she couldn't bring herself to tear her ever blushing cheeks from his intense gaze.

"No" he interrupted in a firm and determined tone "We do this now, Ruth, you hear me? I can't lose you, not again, not ever! I won't survive it Ruth. When Lucas took you from the operation it brought back all the fear I felt four years ago when you left. A fear of how the hell this place was going to survive without you. A fear of losing yet another officer in the field. A gut wrenching fear of not knowing you were safe and well." Ruth bit her lip to try and prevent the rising lump in her throat becoming another bout of tears. "But, ashamedly, Ruth" he continued, "It was a fear of never seeing you again. That I would never get to hold your hand, feel you soft skin and tell you…" his voice trailed off. Ruth couldn't take her eyes from him. His gaze was so blazed with determination, and something she couldn't quite identify, that she couldn't catch her breath. Gently he took hold of her trembling fingers and encased them in his. He leant so close to her that Ruth swore he must have been able to hear her heart pounding madly against her chest. She felt his soft and inviting lips brush her ear as he finally whispered those words. "I love you Ruth".

**How will Ruth react? Find out soon! Please keep reviewing as its all great feedback and hopefully will help make better stories **


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm not totally convinced by this chapter, but I think it works as a nice way to wrap up this little story. Hope you enjoy…**

**Chapter 5**

She looked at him. Really looked. She saw him as no one else did. His hazel eyes bore deep inside her, adding to her inability to breathe or function. She tried to register what had just happened, but failed. She opened her mouth to try and muster something to say, but couldn't. She was helpless to anything but staring at him, unable to repress the fresh flow of tears.

Watching her, Harry was all too aware of the turmoil in her eyes. All to aware of the choices she was torturing herself with at this very moment. _Please_! _Be brave for once!_ He willed her. _Be selfish Ruth!_

Sensing his unspoken plea, she closed her eyes and caught her breath. She had to say something. Anything! However, on opening her eyes, the desperate look of hopelessness betrayed her entirely.

With a painfully heavy sigh, he lent back in his chair, breaking the seemingly progressive tension between them. Spinning his chair away from her, he swiftly stood and strode over to the door. "I'll see you in the morning" he said in a tone that anyone else would have mistaken for casual politeness.

Ruth didn't move. She couldn't focus her thoughts. Head swimming she tried to piece together what had just happened. Her usually astute mind refused to logically appraise the situation. He… Harry had just said he loved her. He loved her! She'd always known it in her heart. Always felt it in his look. His words. His touch. But to hear him actually say it, and… what? Where the hell was he going? Her frozen limbs and exhausted brain finally caught up with her thumping heart.

"Harry!" Ruth reached the office door, just as the pod slide silently open. Taking a step forward, Harry entered the pod, head bowed low, mind elsewhere. She reached the pod in no time and hammered furiously on the glass. "Harry!" He turned to face her. They stood, their distressed faces inches from each other, yet still cruelly separated by the thick glass. She was too late. They both knew that when he had entered the pod he would have to leave from the other side. Leave her and their conversation there on the grid. Shaking her head slowly, as this realisation dawned on her, she gave him one last smile and turned her back on him, so to hide her heart break. She let out an involuntary cry of distress as she heard to door of the pod close behind him as he left and she knew he was gone- well, until tomorrow.

A sudden noise behind her made her jump around to seek the source. Standing, still slightly clouded by the glass partition, was him. Her mouth fell open and her numb inability threatened to drown her once more. No, she scorned inwardly. Not again. Not this time.

The door opened, taking an eternity to do so, or so it seemed. Harry took a small step towards her. The wistful defeat in his eyes and the tired carriage of his whole being giving her the finally push she needed. She stepped calmly towards him and took his restless hand in hers.

"You won't, Harry." Was all she could managed. His quizzical, but slightly bemused look made her curse her inability to articulate meaning at times. Especially times like this. Times with him. "You won't lose me again, I mean. Ever." She added, flashing a delicate smile at him from underneath her heavy eyelashes. She took another step towards him and turned her face to look at his. Leaning slowly forwards, she tilted her head slightly parted her lips. When she as so close to him that she actually could feel his heat beat again she own equally pounding chest and she really could taste the sweet scent of his breath on the nape of her neck, she paused. "You came back!" she breathed.

"Yes" he replied, still unmoving.

"I love you."

And with that she finally lost all inhabitations. She was brave and selfish and everything she should have been so long ago. They stood, wrapped in each other's embrace, both wondering what the hell had taken them so long!

**Hope you enjoyed it. Please review **


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